Twenty Reasons Why Being a Metalhead is Better than Being a Prep
By Sabbath Simpson
1. We kick a lot more ass than those pussy preps.
2. Being a metalhead costs a lot less than being a prep. (Unless, of course, one is a musician; but those are musisicans’ expenses, not metalheads’ expenses.)
3. An Iron Maiden shirt from RockAmerica: $20. A “classic” polo shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch: $59. (I kid you not.)
4. Judas Priest vs. *NSYNC. Rob Halford vs. Lance Bass. Which gay band member kicks more ass?
5. We’ve been wearing studs for over 25 years longer than these assholes have.
6. In addition, we ripped our jeans years before those fuckers started doing it in the eighties.
7. A prep chick’s purse is too expensive, changes monthly, and clutters everything up. A metal chick’s purse never leaves the house outside of formal occasions.
8. Our shows are a lot more fun. We get closer to the musicians, no one is screeching in our ears, and we can jump all over each other with no problem.
9. It takes a lot less time to get ready in the morning as a metalhead.
10. Metal has more men with “true” long hair. Not emo hair. Not “surfer” hair. Unadulterated long hair.
11. No going deaf from hearing “LyK oMg L@@k @ DaT!!!!!11111eleventy-one!!!!” in a shrill voice every ten seconds.
12. Myspace is for bands, not child predators.
13. Being recognized by other metalheads feels so awesome.
14. Authority figures don’t appreciate us as much as they appreciate preps. So we’ve got street cred!
15. You are less likely to get your ass kicked on the streets if you are acting like a typical metalhead. Acting like a typical prep, however…
16. There are more sub-groups of metal than preps. And our sub-groups are real.
17. Kvlt and tr00 own lyk, OMG, and ttly.
18. Our writing and typing is legible; our speech is comprehendable.
19. No goddamn annoying cheerleaders!
20. Our heads are not full of air (despite was Spinal Tap and Airheads would have you believe. And those movies are FUNNY.)
