TURD ALERT: An Introduction.
When I used to have my own site, called rippenterror.com (duh), I had this section, and it was called The Turd Alert. In those hollowed, sacred grounds, I basically spelled out in graphic detail all the horrible releases that I had had the unfortunate displeasure of listening to. It was laced with heavy references to bathroom humor; because we all know, “Bathroom humor is the only way to go when encountering a shitty release!” Man do I wish I’d actually wrote any of those on an actual document. What I did was type it all out on the spot….nothing to ever have been saved. So, in some form, or fashion I will resurrect this long dead, and much loved segment from the deep recesses of my imagination, mailbox, and promo pile.
Thrashing, crying, screaming, blubbering, excessive mucus from my nostrils dripping onto my upper lip! Yes! This rusty reporter is hell bent to bring you a turd alert! (Trademark title pending, I’m gonna pretend I’m like Axl Rose, and trademark a title!)
I sat on the edge of the bed, my extra stereo playing several cds on random play. I twisted my hair over and over in between thumb and forefinger….then I threw myself onto the bed in a huff of irritation. “Make it stop!” I screamed in my head. “Make it stop.” No, it would not stop, this horrid, sub par music that had reached rippen land. My own fucking house wasn’t safe from this dissonance. I laid on the bed, and inched my butt closer the wall, then I found my feet, of their own will being placed on the wall….then began this rhythm. Dare I say, tribal, intricate, and super human with subtle incorporated melodies, that only the mighty Van Williams could duplicate. Yes, this drumming with my feet began, thundering in rebellion to the incessant crap that was ringing out through the stereo….and then! I began to mumble. Getting louder, getting louder….I couldn’t even understand what I was saying! Then it hits me…I hear it clearly now! Louder, and louder…..I HATE Shining Fury, I HATE SHINING FURY, I HATE SHINING FURY!!! All to that intricate tribal pattern I so carefully described to you. And so….this turd alert was born. Yes, it was a painful birth, but mother and hell spawn are doing fine. Onto The Turds!
Force Of Evil--Self Titled
Huh, a “friend” of mine gave this to me. Well, shit, with friends like that, who needs respiratory failure! Okay, “Force of Evil”. I find piss blocks in urinals at county fairs more “evil” than this. So, this is members from King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. Namely Hank Sherman. Horrible, raw sounding production, and an extremely poor King Diamond impression. And one minute it sounds like James Hetfield, then KD, then a Rob Halford tone, then just a poor power metal style. The guitar work is alright, if you like the complete 80’s styling of, you guessed it, Mercyful Fate. At times this really rocks! Then I realize…no. No it doesn’t. Cheesy melodies, recycled riffing, solo’s that are mixed like a three car pile up accident. I can’t describe how crappy the sound is on this. As far as a turd comparison, I think this is a substantial sized turd. I think this is a TWO FLUSHER!
Beyond the Embrace--Insect Song
I lost this one, or threw it away. So, I’m only going on memory. Holy MOTHER OF SATAN is this CRAP! Hardcore vocals with crappy ass clean passages. And guess what? Three fucking guitarists to make music that HAS NO FUCKING GOOD RIFFS! That makes Insect Song a TRIPLE FLUSHER!
Disillusion--Back to Times of Splendor
Yes, this band goes back alright. And worships at the altar of In Flames, some Dark Tranquillity, and lots of Soilwork. The DT influences come in piano flourishes, the guitar only passages come as a recent In Flames pattern, and some of deeper snarls have great power, ala Hypocrisy. The drumming is okay, no complaints and the first song even sports some Tribal beats. And they even put their best song first, which is the only reason I even made it into this disc! But, this is a public service announcement, and I had to make it through the disc for YOU. Yes, this is all for you! Okay, this’ll hit you and go: Wow, that’s an alright riff! Till these clean vocals hit you, and all you can see in your head is Serj Tankian singing “Why do angels die” or some shit. Yes, cross recent In Flames or Soilwork with System of a Down. Now, isn’t that a pleasant thought!? It only gets better, when you sit there and play name that band, or name that riff! The dude sings something along these lines, and tries to convince me he’s fucking sincere: “Mom…? I don’t feel so FRESH….what will come of the Morning Dew!?” Yeah, just take third rate Soilwork (knock offs already) with System Of A Down. And if these melo-deathers from Germany want to go Back To Times of Splendor, they need to go worship some different bands, and quit imitating the worst ones. Not a giant turd, but a noticeable one. Now, the easy part: I’d rather light the peach fuzz on my back on fire than listen to this again.
Tesla--Into the Now
Again, that “friend” gave this to me. And quite fucking frankly, I’d like to know what the fuck I ever did to him to deserve this kind of treatment!! I’m not a bad person, I’m nice, polite, and never act up or get out of line. So, this TURD’S FOR HIM! Well, onto the turd, or in this case, Into The Now. I have had this disc forever. I tried to listen many times, and only made it song 3. A trusted writer friend of mine kept saying: “This is pretty good!” Well, he’s not so trusted, and I explained I couldn’t make it past song 3. He reported back to me, to get past that, and it’ll get better. He’s a fucking fat assed liar! Let’s talk about the vocals a minute, there’s effects put on this to make it sound far away. I don’t like that unless it’s got a snarl behind it. But, the dudes voice is weakening, quivering, wavering. And the ballad is NOT believable. Cheesy lyrics. The melodies don’t catch me, so I have to look for them. And if it’s HARD WORK to find something good? Fuck it! Then of course, Into The Now has sampling that’s rapping. And they said it was a joke, or whatever. Look assholes, you took YEARS to make this record, and you put heavy bass, and rapping in it as a joke? Uh, a music recording is a permanent RECORD. And I don’t find that shit funny. Riffing is…whatever, can’t find anything to say about that. And I’ll close this turd with “I couldn’t ask for a better friend.” Yeah, thanks buddy! The TURD rating is this could, possibly clog up your toilet. Weak shit.
Shining Fury--Last Sunrise
Oh man, help me. Have I told you how much I hate Power Metal? Have I ever told you how much I hate ITALIAN POWER METAL!? With A SHINING FURY! Okay, that was cheesy, but I think it fit, so fuck you. This my friends, is just about as good as Luca Turilli, or even Rhapsody! I hate Keyboards, I want to throw them across the room, and then hit myself upside my head with the nearest hammer. The vocals are really, um, well, let’s call it the way it is: FAGGY. This dude, I think, has a lisp, and a certain looseness to his bottom. This is fag metal. Surgary sweet melodies, so fucking saccharin! Grand scales of guitar runs, and the ever present lyrical lines, “Run for your life!” Yes, I’d like to run for my life, and leave this in my neighbors dumpster! But, even that’s too close for my comfort. Do you like Tuba solo’s? I think that’s what the hell that is. There’s these extended intro’s, and by fucking god, I hear a trigger to the drummers shit! As with most Power metal, the drummer is good. But, that can’t save this, or me. I’d rather: Go sit bare assed on a red ant hill than listen to this again.
SO, that concludes the first edition of the resurrected Turd Alert. Never fear, I’ll do this again; I had too much fun doing it. And I have no shortage of “friends” with bad taste, and a plethora of shitty releases sitting in a box at my feet. I'm oiled up like greased Cheetah shit, and there's no stopping me now!
~love, rippen
Yeah fuckers, it’s RIPPEN. Not ripper, and certainly NOT RIP.
