SHUT UP, BILL O’REILLY!
Another Sacred Cow Becomes Roast Beef
I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely tickled pink with the news about Bill O’Reilly. In case you live under a rock and haven’t heard, the Fox News Channel commentator (meaning “blowhard”) is being sued by a former producer for sexual harassment. A lady by the name of Andrea Mackris says O’Reilly (variously known by his talk-show competitors as “The Leprechaun” and “Forehead Boy”) engaged in graphic discussions about vibrators, masturbation, threesomes and other high-minded topics. He also “forced” her to have phone sex, which Mackris conveniently taped. And oh yeah, she wants $60 million.
So it’s obvious that she’s a gold-digger, just by the amount she’s asking for. So what! This is still great news, because it’s just as obvious (O’Reilly is trying to settle out of court) that he’s as guilty as O.J. See, if O’Reilly forks over some bread, that means the case will (he hopes) die quietly and never make it to court, where the embarrassing details would get even more attention, and possibly be joined by even more damaging ones. What if it comes out, for example, that he got off by Mackris’s making barnyard sounds into the phone? Next time he does one of his sanctimonious condemnations of modern culture, all anybody will be able to think is “Moooooo!”
And therein lies the root of my joy. I love it when guys like O’Reilly get exposed for what they are: self-righteous assholes who would do just like the rest of us whenever they get the chance. After all of his screaming about “moral decay” in our society, we find that Mr. Strong Values likes to abuse his power to get his rocks off.
Now, I hear ya cryin’, and you’re saying, “But Fizz, she’s asking $60 million dollars! Doesn’t that mean anything?” Sure it does. It means she’s mostly out for O’Reilly’s money. Any fool can see that. But come on, you know he probably did it. A man with his hot-head alpha-male personality probably has a libido to go with it. Factor in his “traditional” values and he probably thinks it’s A-okay to go imposing himself on women who work for him.
I realize I’m doing a lot of speculating here, but that’s what the Fizzbunker is all about. You can just look at Bill O’Reilly as he blusters on about our plummeting moral standards, and can tell he’s up to something. And that’s why this story is so terrific. It was high time this guy got taken down a peg. The only thing that would make it better would be if the object of O’Reilly’s attentions was a man.
Of course, the question arises, “Couldn’t she have just hung up on him, or told him to knock it off?” I suppose she could have. And I also suppose he could’ve said “Hey, who’re you workin’ for?” He seems like just the type to threaten someone with the loss of their job over something like this. Is it unfair of me to say this? Maybe. But just watching the guy browbeating his guests, I can’t help it.
So how exactly would these phone calls have gone? If we could see the transcripts of the calls, I bet they’d go something like this:
O’Reilly: Ever done it in a Porta-Potti?
Mackris: That’s disgusting!
O’Reilly: Shut up! Just answer the question! Ever done it in a Porta-Potti?
Mackris: No.
O’Reilly: It’s one of my biggest fantasies. Oh yeah! So let’s pretend, right now.
Mackris: I don’t think-
O’Reilly: RIGHT NOW! We’re in a Porta-Potti, and you’re sucking my dick!
Mackris: How come I’m the one that always-
O’Reilly: SHUT UP! Moo for me!
Mackris: What?!
O’Reilly: MOO FOR ME! What, are you deaf, or just stupid? MOO FOR ME! Like last time, remember? (Loud thud) Oh, fuck it! I just dropped my Salad Shooter.
Mackris: Your what?!
O’Reilly: SHUT UP! My Salad Shooter!
Mackris: I’m hanging up now.
O’Reilly, panting over the sound of the retrieved Salad Shooter: Hey, who you workin’ for anywaaaaaay? (Splat, panting continues into dead phone) Andrea? Andrea?
We can make all the jokes we want to about it (and we will), but it’s really a serious matter, when you get right down to it. Sure, lots of sexual-harassment cases seem like bullshit when you hear about them, and I’ve laughed at many of them, but I’m the first one to admit that if it was my woman, I’d give him a whole new perspective on life. Like, upside-down. And you would too and you know it.
And so Bill O’Reilly joins the platoons of the high-and-mighty who have fallen from grace. And there are a lot of them, because it seems to happen to just about all of them at some point. Jimmy Swaggart wasn’t doing Bible-study with those two hookers they caught him with. Jim Bakker didn’t let the word of God get in the way of his dick, or his wallet. William Bennett, former Secretary of Education and author of the self-righteous Book of Virtues, turned out to be a gambling nut, to the tune of millions in negative cash flow. Rush Limbaugh took time out from calling for stiff penalties for drug addicts to get himself hooked on painkillers, and to come up with devious schemes for getting more. And let’s not forget Dr. Laura’s nudie pictures. On the other hand, let’s forget them. Ugh! And now O’Reilly. Who’ll be next? Allow me to offer my predictions:
JOHN ASHCROFT: The Attorney General and modern-day Puritan will be revealed as a porn addict when his work computer is sent in for repairs (mysterious spills?) and is found to be chock-full of pictures and videos that have nothing to do with work. Extra points if it’s anything kinkier than the missionary position. Which it probably will be. (Numerous studies have shown that a disproportionate amount of porn addicts are born-again Christians. True fact!)
MICHAEL SAVAGE: The dour radio talk-show host will be discovered in one of the San Francisco bathhouses he’s always fuming about, clad only in stockings and garter belt. He will be in the company of somebody named "Lance.”
BILLY GRAHAM: The world-famous preacher will be accused of groping nurses on one of his frequent hospital stays. A 230-pound nurse’s aide named Lavonda is quoted by the Associated Press as saying, “I told him, I said “Get your nasty hands off my booty, Preacher Man!”” Graham’s wife Ruth is stunned to learn of his prescription, under four aliases, for Viagra.
JUDGE JUDY: The famous TV judge and author of Don’t Pee On My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining is apprehended at a local 7-Eleven, where she had been attempting to steal cigarettes and Juicy Fruit. When arresting officers searched her vehicle for identification, it was discovered that Judy has never had a driver’s license.
Deepak Chopra: The renowned guru and champion of nonviolence and inner peace is arrested after punching another man in the face in a dispute about the 1927 World Series. He is charged with assault, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and resisting arrest, the latter charge arising from his attempting to choke an officer.
Timothy LaHaye: The fundamentalist Christian leader appears on the cover of High Times, within whose pages he claims that he writes all his Rapture series of apocalyptic novels while stoned. Also, he adds, he is fond of mushrooms, which is how he can render his visions of a post-Armageddon earth with such conviction. “You’d have to be high to believe this shit,” he is quoted as saying.
Yes, sports fans, stay tuned. The future looks very interesting indeed.
Today’s inspirational song lyrics are brought to us by Poison:
“I call you on the telephone, I’m only hopin’
that you’re home, so I can hear you when you
say those words to me.”
