Twenty Reasons Why Being a Metalhead is Better than Being a Jock
by Sabbath Simpson
1. It’s more fun to be a metalhead than to be a jock.
2. Less chance of injury (unless you are the moshing type.) Also less chance of being intentionally injured by others.
3. Even if you’re too fat, too skinny, or otherwise out-of-shape, you can still be a metalhead.
4. No cuts from the Kingdom of Metal.
5. No one tells you what to do in metal.
6. The cheerleaders are all afraid of you. Muahahahahahaha.
7. No gay-ass team color combinations.
8. For the ladies- Dave Mustaine, Sebastian Bach, and all our other metal man meat are WAY sexier than pro athletes.
9. Better role models. (I hear you laughing.)
10. You don’t have to be Christian to be considered a halfway-decent role model in metal.
11. It’s easier to get a career in metal than athletics. There’s more diversity in job opportunities too.
12. When was the last time you saw a kick-ass underground sports webzine?
13. Jocks are not kvlt or tr00.
14. Our clothing isn’t as ridiculously overpriced as those stupid jerseys.
15. Aging doesn’t hamper one’s ability to be a metalhead.
16. No getting soaked with Gatorade.
17. No “LyK oMg!!!!!!111111eleventy-one!1111!!!” girlfriends.
18. Your heroes are ready to meet you and are normally not covered with bodyguards.
19. Unattractiveness is encouraged in metal for men. Same with jocks and women.
20. Metalheads are generally more sexual and more exciting than conformative (Is that even a word?) jocks.
