I’m glad to know the Delaware state legislature isn’t sitting on its thumb these days. I’m sure they must be pretty exhausted from trying to rid the state of air pollution by banning smoking in all public places. What a grand idea! Turn all the smokers into hermits so the rest of us won’t have to listen to them hacking their lungs up in restaurants! Hell, the cigarette tax employed by other states obviously isn’t working. Whoever said “Dammit, these cancer sticks are too expensive, that’s it, I quit!” No, they just go to other states that don’t have a tax on smokes and bring back a trunkful. Maryland tried to put a stop to THAT by making it illegal to bring more than two cartons of cigarettes across the state line. (Maryland is currently contemplating paying for sewage treatment upgrades by imposing a “flush tax.” Really!)
Anyway, now that smoking in public is illegal in the First State, the legislature has a new way to keep the cops and court systems busy, and it involves tongue-splitting.
Now, I hear ya cryin’, and you’re saying, “But Fizz! What the hell is tongue-splitting?” Come on! Don’t be a square! It’s the process of cutting one’s tongue (or hiring it done) down the middle, thereby giving it the appearance of being forked like that of a serpent, or a devil, or somebody with a horrible birth defect.
Now who in their right mind would do this? To find out, I conducted an exhaustive search online, which consistsed of typing “tongue-splitting” into Google and clicking on the first entry that came up. It was an FAQ at a “body-modification” website. I urge you to go have a look, if you’re in need of a good laugh.
So few things in life are both educational AND entertaining these days!
The only real justification offered for why somebody would have their tongue split is that it’s cool and looks neat. Plus, lots of religious figures did it, including notable Hindus, and of course, Satan, who was a real badass in his time. Tongue-splitting can also be a part of yoga. Some people claim to have had spiritual experiences after getting their tongues split.
I just bet they DO! That’s called going into shock, technically. And you’ll go into shock when somebody cuts your tongue down the middle. You’ll see ALL your saviors! You suddenly find out that if hell exists, it must not be the fun place Rob Zombie thinks it is. You lie there promising every deity you can think of that if they will all just please make the pain stop and forgive you for being so stupid, you’ll give up Pokemon, stop whining about your tough childhood and quit wearing corpse paint in public. THAT’S the kind of spiritual experience you have when you get your tongue split.
Possible adverse consequences? Oh, “small-minded people” might laugh and point and make fun of you, but fuck them, they don’t have as many Magick cards as you do. Also, the surgery (if that’s what you want to call it) can easily go wrong, as one might imagine, and even if it doesn’t, it still might result in a very minor lisp. Hey, what’s the matter, you’re already a lisping ninny anyway!
So who gets this done? Hippies, goths, and other human curiosities, that’s who. And you know what the Fizzbunker policy is regarding THOSE kinds of people, right?
But actually, I find myself siding with them in this instance. State Representative John Van Sant of Wilmington wants to outlaw tongue-splitting. I first thought that meant he wanted everybody with a forked tongue to be rounded up and shot, but I got to thinking, that might not be right. Couldn’t figure out why, exactly. It would bring up the state’s test scores a few points, after all.
But no, Van Sant just wants to make it illegal to perform the procedure, unless you’re a dentist or licensed business, like one of those weirdo headshops down at the beach. Under Van Sant’s proposed law, anybody who takes the knife to somebody else’s tongue will be guilty of first-degreee tongue-splitting, which would be a misdemeanor, and would look, like, totally bad when you go to apply at the organic food co-op. Splitting the tongue of somebody who’s under the influence of alcohol or drugs would be second-degree tongue-splitting, also a misdemeanor. (Wouldn’t you want to be under the influence of SOMETHING to have this done? Wouldn’t you HAVE to be to consider it? Does anesthesia count? I know I’d damn well want some.) Repeat offenses could lead to felony charges. Oh no!
Now here’s the part where I side with the hippies and goths and other assorted loonies. I think this law is a waste of time and money, and probably won’t be enforced anyway. The kids’ll just take their mommy’s car and barrel off to some other state where it’s legal, and the cops will have to go and hunt their pimply asses down and bring them back. “Hi, ’Om! ’Ook ’ut I ’ot!”
Instead of putting them in jail, just let the parents of the victim sue! Less crowded jail cells, more money for little Johnny’s new speech therapist, and to get all the blood out of the kitchen counters. I can guarantee that every lawsuit will result in a decision against the defendant, who should’ve known not to try doing that anyway. Jury duty would be lots more fun too!
Really though, what it boils down to is personal freedom, which is something the Fizzbunker will always stand for. If you want to get your tongue split, hey, knock yourself out. (Actually, you might not have to, you could just pass out from loss of blood.) And chances are, if you get your tongue split by anybody BUT a dentist or a licensed professional, you probably didn’t think it through and could stand to learn a lesson, anyway.
If you want to look like a freak, go right ahead, but don’t kid yourself into thinking you look like anything other than a freak. Don’t be surprised when you don’t get jobs that don’t involve operating a tollbooth. Don’t be amazed when “small-minded” people laugh and point and make fun of you. If you make the decision to be different or “extreme,” you have to be ready to take the consequences. You can’t have it both ways, that just ain’t how this sorry world works. Nobody wants to listen to you whine. Now, or in the future when you realize how ridiculous you look.
Today’s inspirational song lyrics are brought to us by Pantera:
“Give it five years and you’ll retire your piercings. You must admit you mimic the weaklings.”
