MAKE ME A SANDWICH, MA!: Mary, Mother Of Velveeta
For those of you who are keeping score, another long-dead religious figure has been sighted. Jesus has most recently appeared performing wedding ceremonies in Vegas. No wait, that’s Elvis. As I was saying, the Three Wise Men were seen by Barry Bonds, winking at him from across a crowded weight room. They were doing butterfly curls, or so he thought. Of course, Bonds’s brain was boiling with an overload of steroids at the time, so it’s not his fault he mistook for someone else those beckoning lawyers attempting to serve him a subpoena, right?
Okay, never mind all that. The big news is that a woman in Florida has spotted the Virgin Mary on a grilled-cheese sandwich. We have no word on whether or not Diana Duyser has a history of mental illness, or whether she might’ve been hitting the bong a few too many times that day. But what we do know is that over ten years ago, she made a grilled-cheese sandwich (popularly known as a Gritchie Sam), and instead of scarfing it right up, pondered over it and eventually decided she saw the mother of Jesus on it.
This isn’t exactly unheard of. Various religious figures have been said to appear from time to time in unlikely places. Usually though, the only witnesses are half-mad Mexican peasants, or somebody’s old Uncle Zeke out in the boonies with too much corn juice on his hands. However, I did think I saw God one time, after consuming a frozen Red Baron pizza and having to dispose of it less than an hour later, through the rear exit, in the only receptacle readily available, which was a wastebasket. But that’s a story for another time.
Diana Duyser, the lady who pulled off the Sale of the Century, is a 52-year-old jewelry designer who does not, that we know of, live in a dirt-floor hovel. And she isn’t suffering from hallucinations brought on by malnutrition either, because if she really WAS that hungry, she would’ve eaten the damn thing, Mary and all, long ago.
But instead of eating it, Ms. Duyser hung onto the sandwich, until just recently, when she decided (probably after a few screwdrivers) to put it up for auction. Maybe the jewelry business wasn’t treating her too well and she just wanted to see how much some poor sap would pay for it.
Well, poor saps are always happy to oblige, and one obliged Ms. Duyser to the tune of $15,000. Ms. Duyser professed amazement. The unknown new owner ……… well, who knows what he thinks. I hope he’s happy to have plunked down fifteen G’s for somebody’s moldy old sandwich. I bet it’ll make a nice paperweight.
So okay, just one more wacky news story, right? Strange things happen, right? Well, they certainly do, and people take notice. Just the other week, an Australian man found a piece of cereal that looked a lot like E.T. the Extraterrestrial. The bloke said he was curious to see if anybody would pay money for it too. No word on whether he decided to go into the artifact business before he ate that fateful bowl of Nutra-Grain, or after. It doesn’t matter, because whaddya know, another poor sap bought it. The payout was but a fraction of what Ms. Duyser got, but money’s money, after all. Besides, a morsel of cereal is a lot smaller than a sandwich, and E.T. isn’t quite the respected figure as a woman who pioneered artificial insemination over two thousand years ago.
I knew this was going to happen. It would be just a matter of time before enterprising souls like myself would decide to cash in on this possible new boom market. Really, the opportunities are endless, and the scheme is just about foolproof.
Let’s say Poor Sap #1, who we’ll call Harvey, has just received his package in the mail, priority shipping, insured for $15,000. With trembling hands, he cuts the tape and lifts the thing from its bed of dry ice. He turns it over in his hands, examining it from every angle. It looks like a well-preserved, if faintly greenish, grilled-cheese sandwich. He throws it down in disgust, vowing to get his money back. Junior needs shoes and all that stuff. So just how is he going to go about getting his money back? Return the sandwich? Ha ha! Even with her vivid imagination, I bet Diana Duyser would rather have the money. And it’s not like ol’ Harvey can sue either. The deal didn’t include a notarized guarantee that he WOULD see the Virgin Mary’s likeness. Caveat emptor!
With that in mind, I expect to see a lot more food items up for grabs, featuring many more famous people somewhere on them. And if you think Ye Olde Fizzie One is going to just sit here and let everybody else get all the loot, you are sadly mistaken.
This isn’t something to be undertaken lightly. You can’t just slap together any old bag-lunch, claim you see any random famous person in it, and expect it to sell. No, you need to tap into the most gullible demographics, and offer items to fit their needs. Here’re a few ideas to get us all started on our way to fabulous riches, or at least some new socks. Or, possibly, jail.
*** A bowl of grits that coalesce into an exact likeness (as compared to his picture in Who’s Who) of Jesus Himself. Not that there’s anything wrong with grits, mind you.
*** A Blo-Pop that, when plucked from the mouth of a child who wasn’t supposed to have it, reveals a half-licked, misshapen mass of candy that resembles the head of SpongeBob SquarePants. Accessories not included, other characters sold separately.
*** A Krispy Kreme doughtnut whose unique pattern of icing (and general fatness) is immediately recognizable as Michael Moore. Sorry, will not ship to Canada.
*** A bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese that cooked up to show the face of Jabba the Hut.
*** A blob of scrapple that, when fried, morphs into a stunning likeness of Oprah Winfrey. For an extra buck, I’ll throw in a book about growing up poor, black and female in the South.
*** Speaking of Oprah, a bowl of Aunt Jemima pancake batter that, after only light stirring, forms the face of Axl Rose. Call it Chinese Democracy and it’ll sell ……… well, like hotcakes.
*** A malformed old potato whose esential baldness and deep-set eyes put one instantly in mind of Maynard James Keenan. Don’t worry if it doesn’t look that much like him, anybody who’d buy it is too stupid to care and probably fried on mushrooms anyway.
*** A smoked pork chop that looks like the prophet Mohammed. Hide a razor blade in it just in case.
I’m sure you get the idea, and can think up lots of good ideas yourself, and I’d be happy to hear them, just as soon as I get back from the grocery store.
Today’s inspirational song lyrics are brought to us, with complimentary chips and a pickle, by Ugly Kid Joe: “She was a good witch, she was a bad witch, but all I really wanted was a motherfuckin’ sandwich!”
12/07
