AD NAUSEAM!
Today’s topic for anti-Establishment ranting is the advertising agency. I realize the word “anti-Establishment” may conjure up uncomfrotable images of flower-children and peace signs and other emblems of hippiedom. But let me assure all the Fizz Army that I’m not sitting here in a poncho, fiddling with my Tibetan worry beads and narrowly avoiding setting the Fizzbunker on fire with my incense-burner. I am, however, barefoot.
But be that it may, something has got to be done about the advertising industry. It’s running amok, sorta like the kudzu covering up the entrance to the Bunker here. Everywhere you look, somebody’s shoving their product under your nose, trying to get you to buy it. Millions of dollars are spent just to show a certain product in a movie, in the hopes that some idiot will look up from his popcorn and go “Gee whiz! Vin Diesel drinks Pepsi! Maybe I should drink Pepsi too! Oh wait, I already am.” TV and radio commercials keep getting louder, more shrill and more irritating. And they make less sense. My current pet-peeve commercial involves a national real-estate firm, who shall remain nameless because 1) they don’t deserve anymore publicity and 2) my aunt works for them. The ads all feature some harried person confronted with a typical everyday situation 9such as making toast or putting on matching shoes), and being unable to cope with it, because, as they all indignantly proclaim, “I’m TRYING to sell my HOUSE!”
Then there are the car-dealers, with the screaming-meemie announcer rattling off makes,models and prices at the top of his lungs.
How about the ones for products you have to live under a rock not to be aware of? Look, Coca-Cola is still selling the same damn beverage they’ve always sold, why do we have to keep hearing about it? It’s already
one of the most recognized brand-names on the planet. Even Ubangi tribesmen in the wilds of Africa who still shit outdoors and hunt with blowdarts know what Coca-Cola is.
All that’s been going on for decades. What prompted me to quit picking my nose and write this column was that I stumbled on some new developments in the ad biz that made me jump up and say “Sheeee-IT!”
Our first disturbing trend comes to us from Louisville, Kentucky. As some of you may know, the Kentucky Derby was held there a couple weeks back. And for the first time, the jockeys were allowed to wear advertising patches on their riding clothes (called “silks” in horse-racing circles, which makes it sound like they wear fancy-ass ladies’ pajamas to ride in). Some jockeys filed a lawsuit so they could be allowed to do this. Apparently, they get paid according to how well they finish, and the last guy in line at the Derby could make as little as $56, which isn’t even enough to have his silks dry-cleaned. I’m not blaming the jockeys in this case. I mean, hell, a body has got to make a buck somehow, right? But really, what are the advertisers thinking? Roger and Muffy, sipping their mint juleps and watching the Derby, will see a jockey’s patch advertising, oh hell, I don’t know, laxatives. And Muffy is going to turn to Roger and say, “Look, Roger! That jockey is wearing a patch for Ex-Lax! Maybe you should try that next time you have those mm-hmm, mm-hmm [patting stomach] problems of yours.” And Roger will say, “That’s a mah-velous idea, Muffy dear. I never would have thought of it if that jockey fellow weren’t wearing that patch.”
Hell no! What’s more likely to happen is that Roger and Muffy, being the upper-crust, julep-sipping snobs they are, are going to shit a brick (HAR!) at this ghastly trampling of tradition. After all, what is this, NASCAR?
Speaking of which, I have been a NASCAR fan since the tender age of eight, and I’ve never been able to see what’s in it for the sponsors of the cars. The drivers and their crews get enough money to spend $10,000 per race on tires, but what do the advertisers get in return? Oh yeah, they get their logo emblazoned on a car that’ll be zipping around the track at 200 mph. Maybe the driver will shill for them in some commercials. But is it worth it? Does anybody drink Budweiser because it’s Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s sponsor? (Well, knowing Earnhardt fans, they probably do.)
The next troubling development is also sports-related, but involves the American pastime of masturbation. I meant baseball! Recently, Commissioner Bud Selig was approached by the studio that’s filming the sequel to last year’s hit movie, Spider-Man. They wented to put red-and-yellow spiders on the bases at select major-league games to advertise the movie. On the goddamn bases! “Hey! It’s Spider-Man! Let’s go see that movie!” “Sure, sure, right after the seventh-inning stretch.” Like it’s not bad enough that the fences are already plastered with advertisements. Like it’s not bad enough that the radio play-by-play guys have to mention a sponsor whenever they give the fucking TIME! For once, Selig made the smart decision and told ‘em where to put their spiders.
I won’t claim to be the world’s biggest expert on advertising, but I did take a course or two in college relating peripherally to the field, and what the advertisers in those last two scenarios are trying to create are “impressions.” If you see a logo, or hear a name, that’s an impression. (You probably aren’t very impressed though.) The more people who see the logo, the more impressions you have made, and the more money you can charge. Doesn’t matter if it’s a good or bad impression, apparently. But isn’t this whole thing being taken to the extreme?
If you answered no, well, then, how about this next example? I just heard about techonology being developed in Europe called “whispering windows.” You walk past a store, and whereas you normally have to look in the window to see the goods for sale, now, the window display talks to you and tries to get you to go into the store and throw some cash around. You’re walking down the street in London, and a voice from nowhere says, “’Ello, mate. I say, what about stopping in here? Jolly good merchandise here, and at a topping price. It’s a real pippen of a deal, by Jove!” Isn’t that just what the world needs? Hell, why can’t the stores just have somebody standing outside yammering away all day? Oh, that’s right, passersby might hit them. Now why would we do a thing like that? Because people don’t LIKE being constantly advertised and marketed to. Imagine that! Many of them hate it even, including Yours Fizzily.
And if that’s not enough to turn your stomach and make you want to hole up in a cabin somewhere, what if I told you that even holing up in a cabin somewhere might not protect you. Researchers are even now working on a way, using giant mirrors and satellites, to project advertising messages right into the sky! INTO THE FUCKING SKY!
That’s it. It’s gone too far. So what can we, the people, do to throw a rope around this recalcitrant industry? First off, I advocate stiff punishments for anybody involved with exceptionally pervasive or annoying advertisments. Death is a good start. I’ve got lots more ideas on how we can control the advertising industry, but they’ll have to wait until after these important messages.
Nah, I’m just kidding. I DO NOT have time to think about this kind of thing when I’m TRYING to sell my HOUSE!
Today’s inspirational song lyrics are brought to us by some unknown jackass:
“Nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a TastiKake.”
