I’ve been closely following this whole Bill Cosby fracas for the past couple months now. The man who brought us Fat Albert, Dumb Donald and his own immortal brother Russell, now seems to be making his name as a provocative social commentator and general pain in the ass of the black community.
It all started in May, when Cosby told an assembly of “black leaders” that, basically, many of the problems facing blacks today are self-inflicted. He touched on, among other things, baggy pants, backward hats, and the complete inability of some blacks to speak proper English. “I blamed the kid, until I heard the mother and father talk,” he remarked. All in all, his comments were quite caustic, and no doubt came as a surprise to the audience, who were probably expecting to hear once again about how all their problems are the fault of white folks, and might be cured by slave-reparations.
Shows what they know! I think we all know by now that we’ll never get any bullshit from Bill Cosby.
Of course, black feathers were ruffled again just a few weeks later at another such gathering of the minds. Cosby said at one point, “Black men, stop beating up your women because you can’t find a job.” He also noted that blacks are “squandering opportunities earned for them by the civil-rights movement.”
Just when THAT little brushfire was dying down, Cosby did it again this week, making some blunt statements about rap “music,” about how it promotes the denigration of women and glorifies life in prison, and the same old criticism we’ve heard about rap “music” for over a decade now. And granted, those are valid gripes, hardly even worth debating at this point. All you have to do is turn on MTV (if they’re not in the middle of yet another dreary attempt at a reality show). But what about those old country songs about prison? What about “I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die?” Never mind, I’d take “Folsom Prison Blues” any day over some idiot spitting over a drum machine. And if I have to hear again how great 50 Cent is for getting shot nine times, I may say something rash, like “When’re they gonna get it right?!” Oops! Did I say that?
The fact still remains, Cosby’s right! And furthermore, don’t you think this man deserves a little more respect than to have a bunch of self-styled “black leaders” practically calling him an Oreo? It’s BILL COSBY, goddammit! Somebody said he was “out of touch” with the modern black experience. Oh, I don’t think so. I think Cos is more in touch with the modern black experience than certain parties want to admit.
Well, who am I to say so? I’m just some white guy from Delmarva who spent more than a decade in integrated public schools, what do I know? I understand that, being white, there are things I “can’t” or “shouldn’t” say, and that if I say them, that makes me “racist.” However, avoiding things I “can’t” or “shouldn’t” say has never been one of my stronger points, and D-Day’s Revenge will never be a place of PC restraint. And there’s no place for sugarcoating or turd-polishing in the Fizzbunker.
So okay. You wanna know something? Cosby’s right, and I think a lot of people know it, but are afraid to come out and even imply it for fear of being branded a ”racist.” Now, just from my own experiences in the public school system, I can attest to the truth behind Cosby’s claims. By and large, the black kids behaved worse and studied less than the white kids. Did white kids act up? Hell yes! Were there not plenty of white kids, too, who didn’t earn the best grades? Again, hell yes! But proportionally, the blacks fared worse.
Why? A teacher friend of my mother’s (who just happens to be black--REALLY!) put it thusly: “There are so many black children who just cannot, or WILL not, do homework. It’s not important in their house. Their heroes and role models are athletes and rappers.” And we all know athletes and rappers generally aren’t known for their sterling citizenship or strong command of the English language, no matter what color they are. So they think it’s cool to talk like an illiterate gangbanger, and all you need in life is the ability to throw a damn ball around. But of course, it’s all the fault of teachers, for not being “effective” enough. And while we’re at it, let’s get those state test scores up any way we can, whaddya say?
Why isn’t a man like Bill Cosby being held up as a hero? I know he’s always been one of mine, ever since I was eight years old. I had read a kid’s biography of him. Of course, I already knew who he was from his Jell-O commercials and from his Cliff Huxtable days. One day, I was talking about it to my uncle Joe, a man who, although he is a wonderful guy, isn’t known for being the most racially tolerant person in all space and time. And Joe said, “Do you have any Bill Cosby records?” I didn’t. Joe went right home, and came back shortly with a Bill Cosby record that had belonged to my cousin Greg when he was a kid. “This is some of the funniest stuff you’ll ever hear!” Joe enthused as we took it to my room and put it on my little turntable.
Sure enough, we spent the next hour laughing our asses off. Maybe you’ve heard this particular record. It’s the one that starts off with Cos talking about his childhood hernia. “My mother said “You know, if you keep pickin’ people up, you’re gonna get a hernia.” So, I thought it was a present. “Lemme pick ya up, I’m gonna get a present!”” Later, he talks about the terrifying night when the famous Russell made the mistake of laughing at their father (who reigns as a towering figure of doom throughout Cosby’s comedy childhood), and consequently, got his face smacked off. Later still, purely in the interest of science, young Bill attempts to flush Russell down the toilet: “And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl, there’s a little thing that says “I wonder where he would go ………”” I played the living shit out of that record, yet for some reason, I am totally unable to recall its title.
Only a couple weeks after that, I was in a local music store, wondering how to spend my hoarded allowance. Bon Jovi? Guns n’ Roses? I was leaning toward GnR (which is a story for another time), but wound up buying Bill Cosby Himself on cassette (from which the title of this column was taken) for four bucks. And don’tcha know, it was even funnier than my record! It’s amazing, when you think about it, that his comedy still stands up, amid a sea of raunchier material. But then, is it really that surprising? It’s about stuff everybody can relate to, no matter who they are, like all the very best comedy, and doesn’t have to be dirty to be funny. Not that Cosby was above getting dirty, as he did in his hilarious recounting of losing his virginity, or “gettin’ some p-u-s-s-y.”
But it’s not just being a comedy legend that makes him a great man. He has always stood for education and people of all races bettering themselves. With his recent, scathing comments, he only speaks the truth, a truth which educators and civil-rights types have been trying to ignore any way they can for years. For some clown in a do-rag with a name like “Zimbabwe Jenkins” to say Cosby is “out of touch” is beyond disrespectful. It’s ignorant! The very same ignorance Cosby is railing against in his comments. Hell, even Jesse Jackson and Kweisi Mfume (the former pimp, by the way) could only agree with him, and I fully expected those two to try and pass the buck.
Too bad the last attempt at a Cosby TV show wasn’t all that funny.
Today’s inspirational song lyrics are brought to us by Guns n’ Roses:
“Radicals and racists, don’t point your finger at me. I’m just a small-town white boy, just tryin’ to make ends meet.”
